Sorry for the lack of untrue facts recently. We’ve been grabbing life by the balls and climbing Everest (what’s your excuse?), and Sherpas can be pretty stingy with internet access on the side of a mountain. But, with today being April Fool’s Day (the holiest of all holidays), we bitch-slapped the Sherpa and taken his wireless card (take that you fucking Nepalese goat-man).
Today’s little-known untrue fact is about the studliest of all American Presidents…that’s right…Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Now, everybody knows FDR was confined to a wheelchair for a good portion of his life. And everybody knows he had polio. And everybody knows his wife was a lesbian (this actually has nothing to do with anything, we just wanted to point it out…you know…in case you forgot….Eleanor = “Big Dyke”). But everybody always assumed that the reason FDR was in that wheelchair was because of the polio. But doesn’t that seem a little too convenient of an explanation? After a little digging, we here at UFOTD have discovered that this is the biggest myth perpetrated on the American public since “George Washington had wooden teeth” (they were actually ripped from the heads of still-living British soldiers to form complete sets of teeth…he had six full sets).
You see, in his younger days, FDR was what you might call a “dare devil” (think Evel Knievel not “blind Ben Affleck”). Yes, FDR was rarely seen without his trusty motorcycle, jumping everything from cars to school children…without the use of a helmet (we told you he was studly). In what was supposed to be his biggest feat, Roosevelt decided to do the impossible…he was going to jump the Grand Canyon (because, why the hell not?). Unfortunately, he fell quite a bit short of the other side. In the shame of his failure, FDR vowed never to walk again, and confined himself to the wheelchair. With his motorcycle jumping career over, he turned to politics, where he went on to have only moderate success…nothing remarkable, really. But his dare devil spirit never died, and he continued to thrill dozens by jumping his wheelchair over Mexican waiters at parties…and the occasional jump over multiple school buses to raise money for poor inner city schools.
So, in honor of his undying, wheelchair jumping spirit, on this holiest of American holidays, we salute Franklin Delano Roosevelt…Studliest of American Presidents.
Starbucks is in no way, shape, or form, an evil corporation. They have their customers’ best interests in mind by simply selling delicious coffee at a reasonable price.
L. Ron Hubbard was indeed a prophet, and not in any way a science fiction writer. And he hath prophesied unto me from his eternal rest that Glarlox, descendant of Lord Xenu, ruler of the Galactic Confederacy has assembled a mighty fleet with the sole purpose of collecting our thetans. He has reached the outer rim of our Solar System, and the time for reckoning grows nigh. L. Ron Hubbard commands that you cast your mortal bounds into the depths of the Throne of the Moon (Cotopaxi, a volcano in Ecuador) that your thetan may shed its prison in preparation for the Great Glarlox’s arrival.
(After reading this, Tom Cruise was never heard from again.)
We couldn’t have done it better ourselves…except for the typo in the second sentence of the fifth paragraph…but we’ll refrain from pointing that out.
Paddlin’ the school canoe? That’s a paddlin’.
The phrase “When in Rome, do as the Romans do” was first coined at a swingers party in lower Manhattan in 1978.
From its original Japanese title, the Nintendo classic “Super Mario Bros.” actually translates to “Italian Plumbers Take LSD Purple Monkey Dishwasher.” However, due to the Reagan Administration’s stringent anti-anthropomorphism policies, the title was changed.
For the erectile dysfunction medication, Viagra, Pfizer originally wanted to use the name ”PermaBoner,” however that name was already trademarked in reference to Salma Hayek’s breasts.
