April 2010
1 post
Untrue Fact of the Day - 4/1/2010
Sorry for the lack of untrue facts recently. We’ve been grabbing life by the balls and climbing Everest (what’s your excuse?), and Sherpas can be pretty stingy with internet access on the side of a mountain. But, with today being April Fool’s Day (the holiest of all holidays), we bitch-slapped the Sherpa and taken his wireless card (take that you fucking Nepalese goat-man).
...
January 2010
13 posts
Untrue Fact of the Day - 1/29/2010
Starbucks is in no way, shape, or form, an evil corporation. They have their customers’ best interests in mind by simply selling delicious coffee at a reasonable price.
Untrue Fact of the Day - 1/21/2010
L. Ron Hubbard was indeed a prophet, and not in any way a science fiction writer. And he hath prophesied unto me from his eternal rest that Glarlox, descendant of Lord Xenu, ruler of the Galactic Confederacy has assembled a mighty fleet with the sole purpose of collecting our thetans. He has reached the outer rim of our Solar System, and the time for reckoning grows nigh. L. Ron Hubbard commands...
Untrue Fact of the Day - 1/18/2010 →
We couldn’t have done it better ourselves…except for the typo in the second sentence of the fifth paragraph…but we’ll refrain from pointing that out.
Untrue Fact of the Day - 1/15/2010
Antifreeze tastes delicious.
Untrue Fact of the Day - 1/13/2010
The phrase “When in Rome, do as the Romans do” was first coined at a swingers party in lower Manhattan in 1978.
1 tag
Untrue Fact of the Day - 1/12/2010
From its original Japanese title, the Nintendo classic “Super Mario Bros.” actually translates to “Italian Plumbers Take LSD Purple Monkey Dishwasher.” However, due to the Reagan Administration’s stringent anti-anthropomorphism policies, the title was changed.
Untrue Fact of the Day - 1/11/2010
No, your BMW convertible doesn’t scream “I’m a Prick!”
Untrue Fact of the Day - 1/8/2010
For the erectile dysfunction medication, Viagra, Pfizer originally wanted to use the name ”PermaBoner,” however that name was already trademarked in reference to Salma Hayek’s breasts.
Untrue Fact of the Day - 1/7/2010
When the hills come alive with the sound of music, you should hide any sharp objects and brace yourself for a long acid trip.
Untrue Fact of the Day - 1/6/2010
If you build a baseball field in the middle of a cornfield in Iowa (or “it”), then indeed, the ghost of Shoeless Joe Jackson (or “he”), along with the ghosts of the other disgraced members of the 1919 Chicago White Sox…and any dead baseball player who wants to play baseball again (except for Ty Cobb apparently)…will come. And if you don’t want a haunted...
Untrue Fact of the Day - 1/5/2010
A little know fact about Nature’s killing machine, the shark: they are not omni-turners. They cannot, in fact, turn in both directions. So, keep in mind, when being chased by a shark (as happens often to so many of us), ALWAYS turn right (or is it left?…I can never remember…oh well). It might just save your life.
Untrue Fact of the Day - 1/4/2010
Well, it appears that we have survived another New Year’s without the apocalyptic fallout from Y2k (we’re still convinced it’s coming), so after a week off we here at UFOTD have finally emerged from our fallout shelters, ready to greet the new decade with some fresh, old-fashioned B.S.
Hey, speaking of B.S. doomsday scenarios, have you heard about this “Global...
December 2009
23 posts
Untrue Fact of the Day - 12/28/2009
All of the ”coolest” characters throughout history, from Andrew Jackson to James Dean to James Bond to Lady Gaga, have all been based on one truly iconic character that is hands-down the baddest cat to ever walk the planet. I speak, of course, of Snoopy’s alter-ego “Joe Cool”. Never has anybody ever come close to him in coolness, and most likely, nobody ever will. ...
Untrue Fact of the Day - 12/26/2009
Well, we here at UFOTD hope you had a Merry Christmas yesterday, and, as you are no doubt on your way to return the copy of “Madea Goes to Jail” that your creepy Uncle Sal got you, here’s a completely untrue fact for you to keep in mind:
In 2000, legendary method actor Jim Varney, best known for his character “Ernest,” was looking for a new iconic character to play,...
Untrue Fact of the Day - 12/25/2009
Day 12: Twelve Drummers Drumming
Cost: $59.95
Origin: As told in the Bible, the best gift given to the baby Jesus when he was born (12/25/0000), was a personal show by the Blue Man Group (many of the ones who performed for Jesus are still touring today).
Merry Christmas!
Untrue Fact of the Day - 12/24/2009
Day 11: Eleven Pipers Piping
Cost: It doesn’t matter, it’s worth every penny
Origin: This gift is given every year to the one person you despise most. It has been documented that there is nothing in this world more annoying than eleven pipers piping. The tradition started during the American Revolution, when American colonists drove the British back across the Atlantic Ocean, armed...
Untrue Fact of the Day - 12/23/2009
Day 10: Ten Lords A-leaping
Cost: Your soul
Origin: Usually this gift is only seen in “White Elephant” gift giving games. It is largely considered a gag gift (like a donkey on “Let’s Make a Deal”) that most people fear they will be stuck with at the end of the game. However, should you play with Ryan Seacrest, you needn’t fear because he will most...
Untrue Fact of the Day - 12/22/2009
Day 9: Nine Ladies Dancing
Cost: $20 cover and a bunch of singles for tips
Origin: As early as the 1940s, strip clubs started offering a “Nine Girl Chirstmas Special” to patrons. That offer has evolved into today’s tradition of fathers taking their 18-year-old sons to a local strip club and buying them 9 lap dances. The sons were never heard from again.
Untrue Fact of the Day - 12/21/2009
Day 8: Eight Maids A-milking
Cost: 5-10 years in a federal penitentiary* (Or $10.00 in China)
Origin: The tradition of trading women as property started since before history was even recorded, and has persisted to present day in some parts of the world. The number of maids in this gift is largely attributed to a practice started by Hugh Hefner, in which he would give eight Playboy models to...
Untrue Fact of the Day - 12/20/2009
Day 7: Seven Swans A-swimming
Cost: More than you have to spend
Origin: This is one of the more questionable gifts of the twelve, as swans, in fact, cannot actually swim. The needless drowning of seven innocent swans makes the originator of this gift a really sadistic psychopath. Nobody knows for sure who started this horrible, horrible “gift,” but most suspect it was Dick Cheney.
Untrue Fact of the Day - 12/19/2009
Day 6: Six Geese A-laying
Cost: A pack of saltines (crumble up the saltines and catch a goose at a local pond)*
Origin: The goose was invented in 1933, at the height of the Great Depression, as a cost-effective alternative to duck. Wealthy Americans were seeing less return on their investments in the stock market, and had to cut back on their lavish spending. Not wanting the wealthiest...
Untrue Fact of the Day - 12/18/2009
Day 5: Five Gold Rings
Cost: $1.25 at your local arcade
Origin: The wearing of gold rings was unheard of before the 1960s. The practice was seen as garish and flamboyant, until a widely popular, conservatively-dressed musician, named Liberace, made gold rings standard business attire. Ever since, Italian-American “businessmen” and purveyors of flesh have bolstered sales of gold all...
Untrue Fact of the Day - 12/17/2009
Day 4: Four Calling Birds
Cost: Unknown
Origin: Nobody actually knows what a “calling bird” is.
Untrue Fact of the Day - 12/16/2009
Day 3: Three French Hens
Cost: $100 each….why so expensive? They’re French.
Origin: ”French hens” are not actually French (kind of like “French fries”). The term originated from the now-illegal activity of cock fighting. The loser of the fight was commonly called a “French hen.” Not wanting to be associated with a losing rooster, or the French,...
Untrue Fact of the Day - 12/15/2009
Day 2: Two Turtle Doves
Cost: $15 each, or 2 for $27.50. (Or free if you befriend an eccentric New York City toy store owner, who looks suspiciously like the owner of the Chicago Cubs)
Origin: The result of a drunken night out in 1955, the offspring of a turtle and a dove were discovered by a 9-year-old girl in Minnesota. She gave the abominations to her father, a holiday tradition that has...
Untrue Fact of the Day - 12/14/2009
Seeing as there are 12 days left until Christmas (if you were to start giving gifts today, it would culminate with the 12th gift on Christmas Day…and we know you’re supposed to start on Christmas Day, but we want our presents now, damn it), we here at Untrue Fact of the Day have decided to look at the origins of each of the gifts of “The 12 Days of Christmas.”
Day 1: A...
Untrue Fact of the Day - 12/11/2009
On December 11, 1975 nothing happened. Then-President of the United States Gerald Ford blamed himself for accidentally skipping an entire day, and made up for it by adding a day to 1976. Since 1976 was already a leap year, it marks the only year in history that saw a February 30th. It was President Ford’s greatest accomplishment in office, however he could not shake the stigma of missing...
Untrue Fact of the Day - 12/10/2009
The only possible way to make College Football more exciting is to have it regulated by the Federal Government.
Untrue Fact of the Day - 12/9/2009
90% of the Bible was written by Stephen King and J.K. Rowling, with King focusing on the Old Testament, and Rowling focusing on the story of the character of “Jesus.” The other 10% was added in through revisions of the original text. It consists of inaccuracies passed down through oral renditions of “Biblical Scholars.” The editors liked the stories fabricated by these...
Untrue Fact of the Day - 12/8/2009
When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are, anything your heart desires will come to you.
Untrue Fact of the Day - 12/7/2009
Former Dallas Cowboys coach Jimmie Johnson’s hair is actually one solid piece…not unlike that of a lego person.
Untrue Fact of the Day - 12/6/2009
If someone asks if you are a god, you say, “yes!”
Untrue Fact of the Day - 12/5/2009
Men who drive Hummers are often well-endowed.
Untrue Fact of the Day - 12/4/2009
Former Vice President of the United States Al Gore invented the internet.
Untrue Fact of the Day - 12/3/2009
All “old wives’ tales” originated from a group of women calling themselves “The Old Wives’ Club,” not to be confused with the movie The First Wives Clubstarring Diane Keaton, Bette Midler, and Goldie Hawn (though very similar). The Old Wives’ Club, consisting of Betsy Ross, Martha Washington, and Nancy Reagan, would meet every Saturday evening at an...
November 2009
17 posts
Untrue Fact of the Day - 11/25/2009
Natalie Wood (born Natalia Zacharenko-Gonzalez) was Puerto Rican. Watch West Side Story for confirmation.
Untrue Fact of the Day - 11/24/2009
A lot has been made of the Mayan calendar, and the apparent 2012 doomsday prophecy, some linking it to cataclysmic events described in the Book of Revelation in the New Testament. Oprah’s recent announcement of ending her show’s 25 year run, was foretold by the Book of Revelation as the “breaking of the seventh seal.” That singular announcement was the prophecy that was...
Untrue Fact of the Day - 11/23/2009
Lady Gaga is a convincing woman.
Untrue Fact of the Day - 11/19/2006
Sneezing is actually the result of a person’s soul trying to escape from its fleshy prison. Without a soul, a person will die, or, worse, be possessed by evil spirits constantly looking for any opening to take over a human and destroy the world. The ony possible way of preventing these evil demon spirits from destroying the world is to force the soul back into the person’s body by...
Untrue Fact of the Day - 11/18/2009
Politicians have your best interest at heart, so lay off them when things go wrong.
Untrue Fact of the Day - 11/17/2009
George Lucas’s first choice for the role of Han Solo in the science fiction classic Star Wars was actually Jon Lovitz, not Harrison Ford.
Untrue Fact of the Day - 11/16/2009
If your hand is bigger than your face, you have cancer. If you actually fall for this trick you can be legally declared mentally retarded in 38 states. The states that do not use this as a test of mental retardation are listed below.
States that do not legally declare people mentally retarded because they go out of their way as to not potentially offend anybody…ever:
Massachussetts,...
Untrue Fact of the Day - 11/13/2009
Friday the 13th is a day that strikes fear in many superstitious people around the world. The reason many people are afraid of this day is that it reminds them of the money they wasted seeing one of the many awful Jason Voorhees movies, and the possibility of even more (somehow even worse) sequels.
Untrue Fact of the Day - 11/12/2009
Paris Hilton coined the phrase “that’s hot.” Until her, nobody had ever used the words “that,” “is,” and “hot” in that sequence. She also led doctors to discover what would later be called “venereal disease” during a regular check up. Today, we salute you, Paris Hilton, trailblazer of the American lexicon.
Untrue Fact of the Day - 11/11/2009
Kanye West is a kind, considerate, talented musician who is constantly putting the wants and needs of others before his own. We are lucky for our children to have such a great role model. We should all thank Kanye for being such a wonderful human being.
Untrue Fact of the Day - 11/10/2009
Actress Sarah Jessica Parker is acutally the most human-looking of the mutant lizard people who dwell deep below the Earth’s surface. She was sent as a first calculated strike in the lizard people’s war against the human race. Their objective was to cause any human who looks at her to immediately gouge their eyes out, rendering the entire human population blind, mitigating the...
Untrue Fact of the Day - 11/9/2009
There was totally an untrue fact of the day yesterday.
Untrue Fact of the Day - 11/7/2009
Charles Manson was a Georgia Bulldog fan.