Sorry for the lack of untrue facts recently.  We’ve been grabbing life by the balls and climbing Everest (what’s your excuse?), and Sherpas can be pretty stingy with internet access on the side of a mountain.  But, with today being April Fool’s Day (the holiest of all holidays), we bitch-slapped the Sherpa and taken his wireless card (take that you fucking Nepalese goat-man).

Today’s little-known untrue fact is about the studliest of all American Presidents…that’s right…Franklin Delano Roosevelt.  Now, everybody knows FDR was confined to a wheelchair for a good portion of his life.  And everybody knows he had polio.  And everybody knows his wife was a lesbian (this actually has nothing to do with anything, we just wanted to point it out…you know…in case you forgot….Eleanor = “Big Dyke”).  But everybody always assumed that the reason FDR was in that wheelchair was because of the polio.  But doesn’t that seem a little too convenient of an explanation?  After a little digging, we here at UFOTD have discovered that this is the biggest myth perpetrated on the American public since “George Washington had wooden teeth” (they were actually ripped from the heads of still-living British soldiers to form complete sets of teeth…he had six full sets).

You see, in his younger days, FDR was what you might call a “dare devil” (think Evel Knievel not “blind Ben Affleck”).  Yes, FDR was rarely seen without his trusty motorcycle, jumping everything from cars to school children…without the use of a helmet (we told you he was studly).  In what was supposed to be his biggest feat, Roosevelt decided to do the impossible…he was going to jump the Grand Canyon (because, why the hell not?).  Unfortunately, he fell quite a bit short of the other side.  In the shame of his failure, FDR vowed never to walk again, and confined himself to the wheelchair.  With his motorcycle jumping career over, he turned to politics, where he went on to have only moderate success…nothing remarkable, really.  But his dare devil spirit never died, and he continued to thrill dozens by jumping his wheelchair over Mexican waiters at parties…and the occasional jump over multiple school buses to raise money for poor inner city schools.

So, in honor of his undying, wheelchair jumping spirit, on this holiest of American holidays, we salute Franklin Delano Roosevelt…Studliest of American Presidents.

1. untruefactoftheday posted this